JOFO: The Joy Of Freaking Out

One of my greatest accomplishments will eventually be paying attention to the right things, sooner.

Let me explain.

As I continue to prioritize making friends/peace with the parts of myself that aren’t easily loved or celebrated, the more I’m available to love and accept others that have the same parts.

And the more I make peace/friends with these shadows, the less people activate chaos in me.

This frees up so much space for fun, love, joy, creativity, health, because I’m busy feeling abundance and love instead of getting stuck on bitterness, frustration, envy, and anger.

That doesn’t mean I don’t feel bitterness, frustration, envy, and anger. It’s actually the opposite. I welcome them to be an active part of my life.

It’s how I know the value of the JOFO. 

Enter: The joy of freaking out

We don’t value freaking out. We avoid it at all costs, including other emotions that add to blowing up in a freak out. It’s unpleasant. It’s socially not acceptable. It’s embarrassing.

I am very good at freaking out. I may be an expert? Thinking about this while watching my tiny kid freak out, I wondered, “What if I just embrace this instead of trying to stop it?”

The last time he freaked out, I asked him, “Do you want to be mad or do you wan to talk?” And that’s when it occurred to me that maybe this is a feeling he needs to get out of his body. And if we don’t sit with it and let it out, it’ll never go away.

And if that’s true for my 4 year old, is it true for me?

So here’s a thing I’ve been trying to integrate: instead of denying myself all parts of me, I am now thinking of freaking out as a very wise tool to use, wisely.
Think: Steam valve. With rules.

1. Don’t hurt others. Just like opening popcorn, keep your freak out of the faces of loved ones. 

2. Don’t live there. Freaking can turn into a lifestyle, which will turn you into a bitter bebe. Move on when the steam is finished.

3. Let the freak really get out. I don’t have scientific proof, but not letting yourself feel a full freak out has to be hurting your mental and physical body. 

Maybe it can be fun? Maybe it can at least feel good? At the very least, it could set you free.

People ask me allll the time about living in Ohio now. “How are you, really? How can you live in such a dark place after having so many sunny days?”

But I guess since I’ve made friends with the clouds, the sun always, eventually, seems to find me. 

And I really hope that for you, too. One controlled freak out at a time.

The Hard Part of Listening to Yourself (In A Sea of Bad Advice)

There is ubiquitous advice on how to correct our chronic overworking, overdoing, overexerting lives and it’s making us all sick. There is definitely truth in this.

But last year, I attempted to apply this to my life and ended up getting really confused. I was feeling lost and unmotivated, so I did less. I canceled things. I prioritized rest. And I ended up making everything worse. 

A few months ago, my friend Eve pulled my Human Design chart and I’ll never be the same. For almost 40 years, I thought I was an introvert. Vehemently thought being a homebody was who I was. What my chart parsed for me is pretty opposite. And when I decided to own that people fuel me, my life completely shifted. Everything was illuminated. Instead of meeting new people with judgment and caution, I met strangers with baseline neutrality and universal connection. I learned that people and community, the things I thought I needed to limit, are the very things that I need more of.

The biggest takeaway is that I’m a unique being. We all are. And because we are all wildly different, we need wildly different solutions. A curated look at who we are instead of using generic terms to describe us, and tell a story about who we are that can be completely outdated and limiting.

I get it: everything is expensive. We’ve got limited time and resources, so we outsource our mental health to TikTok and Instagram, our news to Twitter or whatever it’s called now, and our casserole recipes from Facebook (this is actually fine). This is a problem, because we aren’t getting good advice for our unique selves. We can’t just apply someone else’s solutions to ours. When we decide to give ownership of our problems to third parties and Instagram quotes, we’ll get very generic results. Sometimes damaging ones.

Instead of solving problems we think we have, we actually have to learn to listen to ourselves.

Listening to ourselves is an enormous undertaking. And when we are really squeezed for time, we want someone else to tell us what’s wrong. That’s the problem with applying a panacea to our life: one sized fits all rarely exists.

I actually don’t need more rest: I need more meaningful work. I discovered that there are times I can work a 15 hour day and feel incredibly rejuvenated and other types of work drain me in minutes. It’s a generalization, but those 15 hour days don’t need as much rest as those minutes of draining work where I’m not doing what I’m good at or interested in.

I have zero answers. No one does. Because no one will ever know exactly what you need. That is your job. It’s hard. And confusing. But there are tools to help.

The baby step I’m making in listening to myself is following my guts. My Human Design led me to realizing I feel a lot of things in my stomach. I have always had this ability, but because I didn’t understand it, I treated it as a problem to be cured. Now, I’m treating it as my greatest barometer. I started tracking different sensations in my gut. It’s inextricably linked to my emotions and how I view the world. Instead of a food journal, I started a gut journal.

This is an invitation to get curious about your life. Try on a solution and see how it fits. Throw it away if it doesn’t work. Make time to really listen, and find your own ears and use them. Be honest with yourself about what you need and be brave enough to rethink who you’ve told yourself you are. Maybe you’re not the same person now.

Our bodies are trying to tell us all the information we need. We just need to give it the space and time that it deserves.

I am a Pile of Laundry

I snapped this uneven, messy photo of a typical morning at the Pickle Jar.

There are many constants in this photo: dusty light fixtures, the pile up of dishes and recycling, a half eaten bag of Doritos from the night before, a water pump and hose that belong in the shed, a ceiling fan waiting to be returned but currently taking up precious real estate that is the dining room table. The top of the fridge is full of clutter. The fridge itself is nearly full of leftovers way past their prime, and the front can’t hold any more magnets or Penn art. There is no order. Tidyness does not live here. Even in the realm of unremarkable, this is exceptionally so. And if you could hear this photo, it’s loud to the tune of “Down By The Bay” sung by these two PYs at 6:30am on a Friday morning. I picked out the melody from the piano, where I turned and took this photo.

I had a long, distinctly beautiful chunk of my life that was dedicated to taking photos of mountain vistas and alpine lake views with captions like “lake life” and “another day at the office,” verbose and particularly blind to the fact that I was building most of my online persona around a singular location, one that I was proud of and that made me feel accomplished. We all applaud this kind of breathtaking content. A messy kitchen? Not really.

But the reason I took this photo isn’t because I thought you’d like it. It was because it was one of those moments in your life that makes you want to pause. This photo is for me. It belongs to me. Hold on, I need to hear that little 4 year old voice just for one minute more. I need that tiny dinosaur robe in the frame. I need to remember that dad making lunches everyday in his t-ball coach shirt.

I read this interview today and I couldn’t help but hang on to this idea. “It's kind of like when people say, "Oh, this traffic is so bad." I'm like, "You are traffic." You can't sit there and be like, "Oh man, the traffic was horrible. I'm sorry, I was late." You are traffic. You're in it. Without you, there would be no traffic.”

I hate a pile of laundry. I hate a messy kitchen. But I am that messy kitchen. I am that pile of laundry. I’ll probably get around to dusting and the recycling will eventually get hauled away. I will probably fold that laundry or just dry it again. Who cares. I have a theory that resisting the fact that we are all messy kitchens leads to us feeling this really boring guilt of not having Insta-worthy houses, not having a life we think should look like this instead of embracing the dust and seeing ourselves and our families as interesting, dynamic, messy human beans.

The more and more I begin to settle into a life increasingly offline, moments like these become way more important than capturing that tidy, dramatic vista in frame. I’m finally able to see my life, and what I define as success, through my own eyes instead of someone else’s. I am a messy, dusty kitchen in Ohio. I’m so thankful that I’m a messy kitchen in Ohio. That I get to be in this specific kitchen. That I get a kitchen at all. This kitchen, my kitchen, full of these specific lunatics. Without us, there would be no kitchen.

The Farmhouse

We talk a lot about birds.

As someone who has spent the better part of a decade out west, I only really felt confident identifying two birds: stellar jays and mountain chickadees. They were loud and always squawking about “seed-burgers.” But even at the end of February when I landed at the farm, I couldn’t believe the amount and variety of birds that stop by here daily.

Cardinals. Nuthatches. Blue Jays. Starlings. Blue birds. Cow birds. Red-winged Blackbirds. Morning Doves. Tufted Titmouses. Chickadees. Robins. And last week, I saw my first Baltimore Oriole (the bird, not the baseball player).

But that’s what the farm has always been: it’s warm and there’s food. The birds have a heated birdbath. My uncles and cousins sit at the kitchen table, talking and watching for birds. I’ve learned so much about my family and about birds in just three short months.

The most unusual but comforting parts have been the idle times. The jigsaw puzzles on the dining room table. The books and crosswords we finish sitting next to each other in silence in the evening when the sunset pours through the west windows. The morning hours before anyone else is awake: where it’s so quiet I can actually hear my own thoughts. I think about how many people have lived here before me, since the 1890s, and about all the unsaid things that quiet brings to the surface.

What is it about family that brings us together and points at all the things that are so unbelievably warm and are also so cold and distant? Where do you ask questions and when do you just keep reading? How do you keep from falling into old familial patterns while also loving and honoring your ancestors?

As someone that has never really been able to feel completely at home, I think the farm is as close as I’ll ever get. I’m in awe at the depth of our roots, how I can’t go very far without running into a cousin, an uncle, a distant relative. And as we arrive at closing date on our own sweet little farmhouse 10 minutes up the road, there’s a lot we want to work on eventually, but I think the first order of business is to get a bird feeder. To remind us that home can be as simple as food and warmth. And the rest may very well take a life time or more to unravel, understand, and appreciate.

Depressed: A Working Document

The standard working document for sad feelings is a romantic comedy: a white women in her mid 30s breaking up with her boyfriend and therefore ordering takeout, having disheveled hair, and living in sweatpants. She can’t stop crying. She doesn’t shower or leave her house. Her quirky best friend tells her it’s gonna be okay through a keyhole. Her plants wilt. But the guy shows up and the sadness board is erased. It goes to zero. Her problem is solved.

I was conditioned to believe that sadness can be cured with silly dances and bike rides and a man that you like. That it had some silver lining, a beginning, a middle, and an end.

My Depression shows up unannounced on sunny days when everything should be fine.

I talk myself out of saying I’m depressed, a lot. I don’t have time to sit with this like they tell me to. “Just invite the feelings in” like it hasn’t already sat squarely in my stomach three weeks ago.

It’s always there but there are things to do.

I talk myself out of quantifying it. I can get up and do the dishes. But it feels like I’m walking through really thick sand. I’m swimming against a current. The wind is never to my back. Everything is so hard.

I don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret. But in a rare act of bravery, I say something out loud.
”I think I’m lowkey depressed?”

“Really? I had no idea! I’m so sorry! Do you need anything?”

Depressed feels heavy-handed but it also feels like a luxury using that word. It’s dwarfed by having no idea how to answer “do you need anything?” I sink into myself, shocked I have any more real estate to collapse into.

No one likes problems that don’t have a fix. Depression has a very short shelf life. It needs a purpose. It needs cause and effect. It needs a solid story arc. I consult what Mercury and the moon are up to. It has to be something else, instead of just me, something I have done, or something I haven’t been able to do. I crave something to externally pin it to.

I’m not sure where I internalized that my depression needs editorial acclaim. I must be interesting, even in my suffering. This needs a good back story with an equally satisfying bow at the end, all of the sad pieces sandwiches between clever quips and self-deprication. My disheveled hair, on trend. My withered plants, ironic. My sweatpants, designer. My mascara smudges, edgy. Even in my darkness, I have to still be worthy.

Saying it out loud is not sexy. I fear it’s too much. It comes with also showing up messy and leaning into the exhaustion. What if I just didn’t get up to do the dishes? What if I took the day off? Would I disintegrate or would I be able to crawl out of the basement of my brain?

I’m too scared to find out. I do all the things asked of me and collapse after bedtime in a withered lump. There is nothing I want to do. So I just kind of do nothing. I know, by habit, it passes eventually. Sometimes it takes days, other times it takes weeks. Sometimes in those time frames, things feel a bit better for a day, only to retreat back to a heavy, dark space. I just kind of slump through the minutiae try not to hate myself for being so sad.

It doesn’t ever feel therapeutic or satisfying. It’s just waiting in this weird Beetlejuice waiting room for it all to pass, hoping this time I finally felt it all, I did the work, I let it in and talked about it. And if I did the work this time, maybe I never have to do it again, until inevitably, it comes back again, creeps into a really solid Tuesday when I’m making toast, spaces get filled with a dullness, so slowly I don’t know I’m in it until I’m already under.

There is hope, I know this.

I know, I have learned, that you can hold two things at once:
You can notice that you are not yourself.

And also.

You can believe that yourself always comes back.

We Are Fine

I touched down in Detroit exactly one week until Lindsay got married. I was (mostly) full of sheer hype to get to spend loads of time with her, but the rest of my brain was consumed with being home for two weeks. This part of the world has the ability to grow my heart eight sizes too big or absolutely crush me with grief. I was steadying myself to be open to whatever came my way.

We were fortunate enough to stay on the family farm with my 93 year old grandmother in the house she was born in. A giant farmhouse had plenty of room for us and I was emotional seeing Penn run until ragged, feeding the fish with my Uncle Nick, making waffles with my dad, and delivering the paper from the end of the quarter mile lane (via golf cart!) to my grandmother’s lap on Thursdays. It felt like maybe, this time, this visit would be different. Maybe it would illuminate the pieces of our life that seemed out of place, give us clarity, help us understand our nomad life and why we’re starting to feel tired of moving around so much.

But first, I had to get my best friend married.

I met Lindsay in Mrs. Wright’s class in 5th grade. I had just moved from Toledo to Bedford and knew no one. Lindsay was wearing this fire Tiny Toons jersey shirt and I immediately thought she was the coolest person, something that hasn’t changed in the nearly 30 years I’ve known her.

It’s not crazy to know someone that long, but now 38, I realize the absolute brilliance and luck that has to happen to continue to know and love someone for that long. Lindsay has been there for everything in my life: the tiny subtle moments where we passed notes in high school, partied in our separate college towns, bopped around Target a million times, to the big ones when my mom died in junior year, my jubilee (wedding), the birth of my son. To know someone that long and to love them that long is a gift: it’s rare and dizzying in the best of ways.

The wedding week was filled with who Jack and Lindsay love and who love them: a beautiful group of some of the most interesting, kind, smart, talented people I’ve ever met. I blubbered like a babe when they exchanged vows, completely overwhelmed and eclipsed by the life they had built.

Witnessing Lindsay and Jack’s life in this frame amplified the feeling of belonging that I’ve been searching for and failing to find for so long. It gave us a lot to talk about and contemplate as we try and figure out what makes sense to our family. The idea of place and community seems so easy for them. I can’t help but wish that for us, too. There is so much appeal to staying and figuring it out: the mess, the unwinding, marveling at what can grow when you decide to nurture a life in just one place.

Their first dance song happened to be the soundtrack to a very cheesy video compilation of us surprising our favorites almost 7 years ago, a love song to where we are from, where we always feel pulled back to, sometimes against our will. It felt like the universe giving us permission to live whatever kind of life we want, even if it lands us right back where we started.

I blabbed a love letter to Lindsay for her wedding gift like we always do, a smushed-up, slightly more sophisticated version of our notes in middle school and high school, lamenting on the notion that some people feel like home more than a house or a place, and I’m so happy she found Jack as her home. But what I didn’t say is that Lindsay has always felt like home to me, maybe more than a place ever will. And for that, I’m beyond grateful to just know her.

Since 5th grade.

Part Wolf

I may rely too much on the planets and the universe to explain the absolute chaos inside of me, or maybe that’s all I have.

Either way, this week has been turbulent. As if someone took my brain out and shook it and threw it back in, everything feels really off.
I’ve buried myself in work to avoid these unpleasant feelings, but I may have gone too far today.

After spending 7 hours in front of the computer with no breaks, I threw on some shoes and just started driving. My mind thought junk food, but then I envisioned my acupuncturist looking at me with the disappointing mom look when reviewing my food journal and that scares me, so I headed to the health food store. Chocolate bar, veggie fried rice, and coconut water in hand, I went to check out and met Lindsey.

An innocuous question of “How’s your day been?” led me to talk about the weather.
”It’s summer!”
”Yeah we didn’t get a spring!”
”Ugh right? This May should’ve been March!”
Lindsey paused and looked at me thoughtfully. It doesn’t feel like that happens often.
”You know, the weather is just getting more uncomfortable, isn’t it?”
We talked like old friends and she took her time, even as another person had joined the line behind me.

I took my rice to the airport and watched planes take off. They climb so abruptly to get over the mountain range and there is a moment before they disappear behind the mountains that feels scary, risky, uncertain. I find myself holding my breath, staring them each down until I’m certain they are safely in the sky.

Sometimes I think that’s all I’m doing in this season of my life: holding my breath until I can identify a safe place to land. And sometimes I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for years, grieving the life I used to thrive in, revisiting the spaces that used to give me a firm sense of home, understanding, that now feel so foreign, it’s hard to remember what it used to feel like to belong.

Maybe it’s the universe, maybe it’s the ongoing pandemic, maybe it’s my constant toxic trait of always feeling misunderstood and like I’m the only person in the world that feels this deeply, thinks this much, pays attention. Maybe it’s not enough art and too much reality TV. Maybe it’s not enough vitamin D or yoga or friends chatting idly on my couch. Maybe it’s everything.

Back to Lindsey. Before I left the market, she said,
”I’m a doula so I deal with women giving birth! And we talk all the time about life in centimeters. 8-10. We have to get to 8-10 but it’s uncomfortable to wait to get there, and it’s uncomfortable when we are there. And isn’t that like being human?”

I teared up. She looked at me and smiled. I waved goodbye and walked to my car and thought about the uncomfortable space it takes to bring life into the world, the weight of waiting for it to get here and the pain of it being in progress. I think about how absolutely heartbreakingly beautiful it is to be a mom and how absolutely heartbreaking it is to be a mom: the moments I never want to end and the moments I can’t wait to be done with forever. This holding on and letting go over and over again.

And I don’t know what else to do but hold my breath and watch the planes make it over the mountain.

I'm a Potato, I'm a Tomato

Living life like a perishable item.

Seems straightforward. It’s a fact we will all die. And this fact feels like it should be urgent, or somewhat in the foreground.

But I’m still blown away at all the time I just completely piss away like I’m going to be here forever, and you’re going to be here forever.

In one way, I’m glad that I’m not constantly in fight/flight mode, always worried when my time will come.

But on the other hand, this complete lack of awareness that is actually going to happen is a bit concerning .

So lately, I’ve really been digging into the idea of time, and my time, and your time, and our time together.

The buckets of time I spend on certain activities: I have always been hyper-fixated on productivity. Even if it’s a leisure activity, I almost want to squeeze every ounce of leisure out of it. I am always trying to optimize, to a point where maybe I am never not working.

And although I have managed thus far, I’m starting to feel a shift, a very soft, polite but urgent need to slow it all down, choose wiser, but not in a way that yields anything but complete rest.

I decided to spend a lot of time considering what’s important to me. We were driving back from an extremely restful weekend, Penn was napping, Paul was driving, and I had hours to think. A luxury. But something that shouldn’t feel like a luxury anymore.

Time was a theme that hasn’t left me since that drive. The consistency of it, relentlessly drumming on, the impatience. There is nothing we can do about time. There are so many think pieces on how to optimize, but it feels more like how to squeeze out more productivity than it is to really get to the marrow of time well spent, to live a fulfilled life.

I want to focus on the quality of time with myself, my community, and my home. I want to balance this time as much as possible. Other things require my attention and time, but they only exist to propel/support the most important three. A necessary part, but not something I feel the need to give my attention to. The older I get, the less time feels abundant, the more sensitive I am to what I invest my time in.

Myself: There are always these sanctimonious parents that remind you that these days won’t always last, and that’s true. But this feels like also a cry for yourself as much as it is to cherish presence with a toddler. This is a reminder that time for myself, to myself, to take care of myself, is just as important as my community and my home. What will I do with the time I get after Penn goes to sleep? What time will I carve out for myself regardless of when he’s sleeping? How will I take care of my body in a way that serves my current and future health instead of what I think I should look like? What if I just laid down on the floor and stared at the ceiling and decided to be radically unproductive once a week? What would the world do? What would this do for my brain?

Giving myself permission to do nothing is something I need desperately. Not to recharge to go back and overproduce, but to just radically rest because I am a human, because it feels good, because pleasure doesn’t have to be earned or justified. Lesson learning.

My Community: my family, my friends, and the people I have yet to meet.
The PYs come home exactly at 5pm Monday-Thursday in a hurried breathless exciting heap. I ask Penn how his day was as I help him get his shoes and hat and coat off before he speeds off to his beloved dinosaurs. I ask Paul the same thing and we all collapse on the couch before dinner. These moments make me feel alive and restored and energized and incredibly grateful. I want more of them, but sometimes I miss them when I’m talking to someone else, when I’m at yoga, if I’m writing. The point of being a present parent isn’t always being on: it’s being present when you’re ready to be present and not available when you are not available. This has been one of my hardest lessons since becoming a mom but holding those boundaries benefits everyone.

Extrapolate that lesson to my outside circle: I have to cancel a friend hang if I need more sleep or if I feel like I need time to myself. I also have to actively push my introverted self to meet people outside of my bubble. I’m out of practice at this, but building community is part of what challenges me and helps me grow. The people I have yet to meet will help me in my next chapter, and I can’t wait to meet them, except I can because I have massive social anxiety (which is a door, but that’s for another time).

My home: my physical address, nature, the environment

I used to spend a lot of time worrying about buying a home to finally stay in one place, but now I’m more focused on feeling like I am home.
Home can mean so many things. My house feels like home because of the people in it and the work we have done to make it feel like ours, but maybe it will never be on paper and that’s fine. Home can be a familiar hiking trail that you know so well, you can hike it in the dark. Home can make you feel like you belong in a way you may not be able to describe. Home can be somewhere you haven’t been yet. And instead of spending so much time finding “the” home I will die in, I’ve realized that I just want to find more places that I can feel like I am heard and loved and cared for. For me, home isn’t ownership: it’s belonging. And I long to belong in more spaces than I currently have access to.

When I put all of these things together, it’s the ultimate feeling of a fulfilled life: feeling rested and energized around my community in my home, without an agenda or a plan or a carefully curated menu. Warsan Shire says “Document the moments you feel most in love with yourself - what you're wearing, who you're around, what you're doing. Recreate and repeat.”

I want radical rest for all of us. I want us all to wake up and feel so incredibly rested and restored. I want our brains to be free to dream the craziest things for ourselves and our families. I want us all to create, but also to find value in sustaining our creations.

This isn’t another life hack: this isn’t a way to squeeze out the most happiness and never feel pain. This isn’t about how to hyper organize your house so you feel successful or how to fit 3 more workouts into your week. This is about being intentional about how we spent our hours on earth. Not once did I mention work, social media, or my personal brand. All of that is a distraction. Because if we really figured out fulfillment without commodification, capitalism would die.

And the astronaut trillionaires don’t want that for you, but I do.

Self-Care as a Sport

“Self-neglect is not a virtue. Love is about becoming - not betraying - yourself.”

— Alok Vaid-Menon

Before I started this parenthood gig, I was the world’s greatest self-carer. I had it down to a science and no stone was left unturned. I benefitted from being in the health and wellness world for 5 years so it was literally my job to know all the new super foods and crystals, the hottest movement discipline, the latest research on your brain when you meditate.

I got lost in it. It’s easy to. I am quite competitive with myself and always want to continue to improve, to a fault. With doing all the self-care, it ended up being no self-care. Because when you actually, really care, there has to be some feedback on what you really need. And it can’t just be all the crystals. We love, as Westerners, to use Eastern medicine like…. well, Westerners. More [insert wellness trend] HAS to equal more health! Turns out that’s probably not always true? And you have to kind of know yourself and what you need?

Listening to yourself is hard and subjective and takes a lot of practice. But it’s what I’ve been learning to do these past few months of living.

I wanted someone to tell me about how becoming a mother isn’t about not having time because you’re actually really busy: becoming a mother breaks all sense of time for yourself. And the world doesn’t help. I have seen at minimum 2,410 mom bloggers that talk about the best way to [ insert anything] but no one actually talks about how to be a person after you become a mom. So we’re left to read between the lines, which is: becoming a mom means to forget yourself completely.

And the easiest thing in the world is to fall in line and become your favorite sitcom mom: even if you work full time, perfection is the goal and less than isn’t acceptable. We must look flawless for our partners and full of love for our kids ALL THE TIME. And you know, shower and eat when you can!

This is especially triggering for moms that had a traumatic childhood. Anything less than all the love all the time and you risk giving your kids the worst childhood.

Except none of that is true.

I fell into this trap of just being a mom and working. That’s it. A lot of this started in COVID and continues, but there are subtle ways to reclaim my life that I have ignored because it’s easier. It’s really hard to accept that we live in a world where the default culture is placing invisible labor on women. We are a malnourished society because we have devalued women from the beginning. How does the economy still keep chugging along when childcare still isn’t affordable? Because we’ve all decided that this is “just what being a mom” is.

This is “just what being a woman looks like.”

On some level, we’ve all accepted this to be true. And now we’re faced with the fact that we’ve all gotten used to women doing it all. We should be thankful that (most of the time) we get to shower and eat, literally what is provided in prison, and we’re supposed to call that self-care. Nah, that’s basic needs. I think I’m finally ready to reclaim my time, the time everyone else gets to think and feel and process and move and enjoy life.

I’ve stopped following all these parenting Instagram accounts (ads) that pretend to be real humans (that’s a marketing trick: you’ve heard it here from your fellow director of marketing) and start really looking into what I want out of my life. Not anyone else’s. I didn’t become a mom to give up my life for someone else’s: I became a mom to share it. But if I don’t have a life, what are we sharing? What do I actually have to give, pass along?

I started going to the gym and rearranged my days to make that work. Not because I want to be down to a size whatever, but because it feels good. I started keeping a food journal again and noticed when I eat sugar all day every day, I feel terrible. So I started incorporating other foods again, making time to think about what I want to eat and no one else. Not because I want to be down to a size whatever, but because it makes me happier. I started going to yoga again because it’s one of the best ways for me to relax and move. Not because I’m trying to become a yoga instructor, but just because it makes me feel good and it helps me sleep.

And today I skied. Skiing teaches me so much about myself. It’s instant bio feedback. It floats my fears and worries to the top and sprinkles in a healthy amount of fun and vitamin D and failure. It’s both pleasure and reflection. It’s flow. And when I ski, I come home and I do better, focused work.

No skiing = less writing, less productivity at work. See what I’m getting at? Pleasure and fun isn’t a bonus you get for working hard: it’s a necessity to living a full, well-rounded life. It’s part of all of it. It’s how we get to the next level of where ever we want to go. Otherwise, what’s the actual point?

Self care isn’t showering. It isn’t feeding yourself. It’s real moments that nourish your life. It’s going skiing on a Monday with your best friend. It’s going to the gym by yourself. It’s making sure that these things that HAVE BEEN BRANDED AS AND feel like extra, selfish things, are treated like sacred time, just as important as basic needs. Because they are. Anyone that tells you otherwise is a person that either directly benefits from you being home all the time with your kids or wants you to buy something they are selling.

I’m not an expert. I’m going to struggle with not being home on Wednesday night to tuck my kid into bed. But I do know that Thursday morning I’m going to feel like a whole new person (and mom) because I went to yoga. And that’s the mom that this kid deserves. And that’s the Sarah that I deserve. Because even if I sit on the couch my whole life, hard times still come. The least I can do is make the good times better.

Dinner at Jose's

“The dance of renewal, the dance that made the world, was always danced at the edge of things, on the brink, on the foggy coast.”

— Ursula K. Le Guin

Hey everyone. Y’all ok over there? Reading my last post, I realized that we’re coming up on two years of Covid. It has felt like 5. I don’t share this shock and awe that Penn is two because this time has felt like a decade. Isn’t he in middle school yet? Am I retired? I don’t understand time.

But things have felt way more normal than last year, except I still don’t feel okay. I have struggled with what we’ve all struggled with and I like to hide behind the fact that I’m a mom and I work full time. In true sancti-mommy style. I just don’t have time for myself. Which is a total lie: I don’t make time. Instead of dealing with myself, I make homemade chia pudding and scroll through Pinterest trying to figure out how I can be the best mom and in turn, the worst Sarah.

I didn’t realize this had happened until I went to Jose’s house for his twin son’s birthday party. Paul has been friends with Jose since he first started working at the hospital nearly 8 years ago. Jose’s parties are always epic. Picture a perfect marriage between your grandma’s house and Friendsgiving. It’s all there: warmth, ease, incredible food, music, laughter, wine. But really, it’s the people.

It wasn’t long before I started making small talk with Jose’s cousin, Jessica. She was in from Napa and has four kids and we talked potty training and daycare and two year olds. We laughed and told stories about our kids, but it was hard to let Penn just “play.” I worry about all the stuff: is he sharing? Is he going to jump off the deck? Is he playing with an open flame? Is he yelling at someone that touched the mountain of cookies that he claimed for himself in conquistador fashion? Is he annoying everyone?

Jessica sensed my unease. And then she said this. “He’s fine, you know. He’s having fun. He’s safe here.”

And I teared up. She was right. I made myself stop chasing him around and I just watched. Every time he thought about darting out the door, an older lady would stand in front of it and smile. Every time he dashed towards the deck stairs on a car, someone would run after him. Every time he got possessive about the cookies, someone would distract him with a cowboy hat. And something in me relaxed. My jaw softened. I said yes to wine. I watched all of these family members get a kick of out of my kid. They laughed with him and patted him on the head. He wasn’t a burden: he was a joy.

Glennon Doyle and probably others? have written about how fear is the opposite of love, and controlling our kids comes out of fear, not love. What am I doing when I’m trying to control his every move? Yes, to an extent, he’s a toddler and he has and will injure himself. But this huge weight came off my shoulders when I realized that I hyperfocus on him so I don’t have to focus on myself. And also, crap, I should probably think about myself sometimes. Eyeroll.

IT IS EASY to focus on being a mom above all else. It’s like literally walking into a sitcom and playing that character. This is how it is. This is life. This is parenthood. We’re all miserable but we dodge those icky feelings with Target runs and Starbucks. Why do I feel this way all the time? BECAUSE! I work FULL TIME and also I have a TODDLER and also I make PUDDING from SCRATCH (listen, I just want you to know that I make a lot of pudding). I was just fitting in. In fact, this behavior is encouraged. Social media spreads it around like wildfire: all this sanctimonious text about how women sacrifice and men are just supposed to appreciate it, pray to the mommy statue, and move on. As if we just need to be appreciated. That’s it. That’s all. We can still run on empty, just acknowledge that we’re empty, please.

In my own house. we’ve all decided that mommy is in charge of most things. I have taken this on whole-heartedly because it fed my ego and need to be the best mom in the universe. But the mental energy it takes to remember if we’re low on almond milk, to call the dentist, to sign up for the Halloween school potluck, to sort through his old clothes, to meal plan for the week, could break me. It does. I cry and move on. I have decided that I don’t have time to think about it. Because this is how it is.

I have always thrived in renewals. Sign me up for all the transformations. New Years Eve. The new seasons. Back to school. The ritual of starting over. In this season in my life, renewals hit me across the face. They are the opposite of subtle. I don’t have them on my calendar. Alarm bells ring in my ear and things come into focus.

I got it all wrong: I cannot afford to overlook myself. I have been distracted by thinking being an “amazing” mom is agonizing over snacks and clothes and haircuts and houses. These are easy solutions because they are just things you can buy. But you cannot commodify personal growth, you just have to do the work. Penn deserves a mom that shows up for herself. That means I’m also showing up for him. He’d be fine eating store bought pudding if that means mom went to yoga. How can I teach him to trust his gut if I forgot how to listen to mine? I need that space: to figure out how I feel, to honor the fact that I feel deeply, to process and reflect and change. Not because I earned it, but because I cannot afford not to. Keeping him “safe” in an already safe space is telling myself a story, keeping myself busy so I don’t have to look at me.

I’m not really sure what the take away is. I know I need to let go, but it’s going to be a slow, excruciating process of unlearning all the lessons I’ve inherited and absorbed on what it is to be a mother. There is a piece that involves letting go that feels so incredibly uncomfortable and unnatural. But I know it’s about trust. It’s trusting that as he ages, he needs to learn, at times, on his own. It’s trusting that he’s forming relationships outside our nuclear family that only adds to his life. It’s trusting that, at some point, I’ve done everything I can do and he deserves to have the space to live his life. And what a relief it will be to someday trust and know that this is the only way forward.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling immensely grateful for my family and everyone in my life. My house. My job. My friends. My future. And I truly think it’s because I went to Jose’s and let a stranger (now a friend) tell me to chill. And I had a really great time and my kid stayed alive (and thrived). And maybe that’s all I really need right now: more chances to practice letting go.