Defining myself on my own terms is something I’ve never given myself permission to do. So on New Years Day, I shaved my head. Not down to skin because it’s winter, but my hair was reduced from an 8” ponytail to a tiny 1/4” fuzz top.

I’ve been in a state of transformation for over 6 months. I stopped drinking in July and save for the sporadic splashes of wine, I’m basically sober. It has changed my life in so many great ways and it’s also really hard for (most) people to understand: if you don't drink, you're either in recovery or you're just "not fun." I don’t have a drinking problem, but I also don’t want one. I just want to wake up feeling awesome everyday. I call myself sober curious (a nod to Club Soda): I’m not opposed to wine but I also don’t want to drink a glass and feel like I need more. It’s a slippery slope for me and I wanted to quit while I’m ahead. But it was hard to quit because I felt like, “What will people think?” Would I have to have uncomfortable conversations with people drinking and me abstaining? Wouldn’t it just be easier to hold a glass of something instead of having to explain myself?

The Friday before Christmas, I read an article about fitness instructor Bethany C. Meyers that has shaved her head many times for a number of empowering reasons and I immediately wanted to do it. I’ve wanted to shave my head since junior year of high school, I just didn’t have the guts. Now, there were more reasons to than not to. My pro/con list was filled on the pro side with a lot of positive things:

• less time on maintenance

• save money on hair oils and product

• save money on haircuts

• easier to do yoga, swim, hike, ski

The Cons list was nothing but what others would think and one instance where I was scared about the grow out phase.

Cons:

• Will people think I’m crazy?

• Will they think I’m sick?

• Will people think I’m ugly?

• Will my husband think I’m ugly? (He’s sad that I thought this, but I’m human)

• Will the grow out phase make me feel ugly?

I knew a bald head would be awesome but looking like a hedgehog for a month? Do I have that many hats?

I can tell you a long and boring story about the cut, the relief, the shock, the settling in, but the real takeaway is the physical transformation I’ve felt after shaving my head.

I feel amazing. I’ve never felt this good. I feel sexy, confident and so incredibly powerful. And this may be totally in my head, but I feel like my pushups have exponentially improved, in form and in duration.

Shaving my head was empowering. Hair is such a big deal for women. We spend so much time, money, and mental energy on it. It defines us in ways that are so ingrained, we forget they're there and we accept them by default. Getting rid of my long hair without cutting it into something “cute" was an attempt for me to reframe the conversation. I wanted to deconstruct what pretty has been for me, what power and privilege came with it. And I wanted it to be terrifying.

But it took a long time, and I agonized over the decision for a solid week. Why has it taken me so long to get here? Why do I care about what others think more than what I think, feel and need?

The “shave my head cons" list has applied to every decision I’ve ever made, but mostly the item, “Will people think I’m ugly/crazy/stupid?” What will they think? What will they think if I’m not posting cool stuff on social media? What will they think if I don’t drink at a brewery/party/wine bar? What will they think when I don’t have any hair?

I ultimately decided that other people’s opinions matter as much as I let them. If you surround yourself with cheerleaders, including what you say to yourself in the mirror, life can start to feel a little less daunting and a lot more supportive. And you start to realize you can do a lot of scary things that you normally would never consider.

I still care. There are bad days and weird days and good days and phenomenal days. But the way my hair looks is insignificant for me in this place that I’m in. What my hair looks like has nothing to do with who I want to be and what I want to do and where I want to go.

I may always care, but I’m learning, and trying, to care about the people that matter, not the faceless crowd that I imagine is always judging me. I have no way of knowing the truth of their judgment. It may just be something I tell myself and it may be true, but it’s insignificant. People that support and love me, that have gotten to know who I am at my core, they matter most.

I’m applying what I’m learning about my hair experiment to the rest of my life. What else can I do that’s so brave I think it’s crazy? What is something I’m worried about others thinking is crazy? That’s where I’ll start next.

See you there.

Selfie Game: Lit

It started in high school. My Uncle Bob used to ask me what my five year plan was every Christmas. He meant well, trying to help me figure out what it was I wanted to do, but I never had a good answer. I knew I wanted to go to college. I knew I wanted to write. When or where was always fuzzy. I guess I lacked the ability to pretend that life has the ability to be planned out five years in advance. I definitely tried.

The master plan was never really something we openly discussed at the dining room table at home. My parents were supportive of everything but my dad definitely made sure to instill in me an importance of supporting myself in whatever direction I ended up heading. At times, it was hard being a broke college student, but I am so incredibly grateful for the struggle because it helped me figure out how to take care of myself.

What are your plans? I've had some sort of plan since I could hold a pencil. I thrived in event planning during my grad school years. I obsessed over party details every gathering we decided to have. Plans, for me, have always been fun to dream up and organize but the reality was that they always, overwhelmingly, went another way. I have never had the natural flexibility to "go with it" and be "okay" with plans shifting.

I reached this place when I chose to give up teaching: it was a new place that required faith in the unplanned plan. There wasn't really a day that I symbolically threw my day planner in the fire, but somewhere in that career change, I decided to trust a life not thought out. It was terrifying at first, but with a little practice, I got good at it. Integrating improvisation in your life is good, but applying it to the "master (un)plan" is on another level.

What are my plans? I don't know. At all. I've been conditioned to believe that this is wrong or lazy or devoid of direction. I'm "unfocused." But I choose to think of it as something I've never allowed myself to do: not know. My life-long planing gave me a false sense of control and direction. I have manipulated every decision in my life by planning years in advance. It led me to burn out in a career that didn't match my life.

I don't have parameters for what I'm going to do when I leave here, or even really know what the next job or place to live will look like. I know what I don't want and I know what I'm good at and I know what I enjoy. But other than that, it's pretty blank. And I think that's okay. I am practicing being comfortable in the unknown. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. This is also the happiest I've ever been.

Some people think moving away and not knowing anyone is the scariest thing in the world. To me, being alone with your thoughts used to be really scary. Now I can't get enough. I have so much I want to do: read, write, run, hike, yoga, bake, cook, organize, create. I can't wait when lunch comes around and I get to sit in the swing behind the office and write. I can't wait to take the evening run with myself and the trail and daydreams.

Things are shifting. Fall is near and that's always been a starting over point. Change is happening, however slow it needs to happen. I will never forget where I'm from and never stop missing the people that love me and support me. But for right now, I need patience: to dream, to wander, to grow, to be alone. I am learning how to stay present and really get to the bottom of what I want. I think this will lead to me recognizing the "what" when it comes around and leaving the rest alone.

My plans don't have anything to do with how I make my money or where I live. My plans are making the most of every single day by getting outside and doing what I love. My focus is how I can improve, how I can make time for what makes me happy. And I never want that to change.

What are your plans?